Information center: lifestyle with children
Parenting Styles
by Justine Saffir
It's amazing how couples who took for granted that they preferred different styles of lamps, who easily worked out his preference for Chinese food and hers for Indian, can be so shaken by discovering they have different discipline styles for their children (and lest single parents be gloating here, how many of you agree with your caregiver all the time, not to mention grandparents...). There are few areas we feel as strongly about as how to raise our kids, and that's good. The trick is to let the differences strengthen our families rather than weaken them.
To do this, the first thing we need to do is get rid of the myth of the "united front". It is OK for different people to have different limits about some things. I may be willing to peel the apple, and my caregiver may not. I may not allow my son to use me like a jungle gym, but my partner may enjoy and allow this kind of play. For a toddler, learning the differences is a normal part of becoming familiar with his environment. Toddlers quickly learn that one parent is happy to give "three chances" but the other will get angry sooner. Consistency is important, but it more important that each adult always handle a child consistently than that all the adults in his world handle him the same way. Having adults around who handle things differently provides him with more models, more balance, and more learning.
When there are conflicts that need to be settled, how we handle the conflict makes all the difference. When partners handle conflict maturely and respectfully, they model those skills for their child. For example, Dads: never allow your daughter to have ice cream "because Mommy's not here now" unless you want to model disrespect and sneakiness. Instead, let her hear you say to Mom, "I feel that as long as she's eating a balanced diet, an occasional ice cream isn't a problem. Would you be willing to think about that?" Let her watch you and your partner listening to each other, repeating what the other has said to demonstrate understanding, taking time to think, offering compromises, agreeing to try new ideas, and backing each other up until a new rule is reached.
Dads: Bonding with Your Children
Bonding isn't just for moms! More than ever, dads are keying in to the physical and emotional needs of their children and discovering a new kind of closeness, once reserved just for moms. Here are ways that some dads are finding to enhance their close relationships with their children.
- Sharing the bedtime ritual. Lullabies, stories, poems, and hugs are close sharing activities for a time of day when your child is most vulnerable.
- Helping with hurts. Children remember who helps them with life's little (and big) hurts.
- Changing your baby's diapers. Changing diapers is a key time to interact, sing, converse and play with your child. Remember that children form bonds with the caring adults who help them feel better.
- Sharing the lunch packing. Kids feel connected to the person who fills their lunch boxes, the one who cares that they are not hungry.
- Establishing a fun caring ritual. Whether it's bath giving or dish washing, find ways to involve your child and make it playful and fun. If you are consistent, your special caring time will probably be remembered forever.
Tasks associated with bonding aren't always enjoyable, but the bonding that takes place makes it all worth while. Dads and male role-models, take heart! Bonding isn't just for moms anymore!
